Isn't it always about me? No, not really, at least not for today. But for the benefit of anyone who may stop in here, I decided to share a little bit about my NA journey.
For me it started 30 years ago when I walked into the rooms of NA in NYC for what I believed to be my last meeting. Yep, it was going to be my last for if I couldn't get it and surrender, then I had decided life was not worth living in the level of great emotional pain that I was experiencing was finally going to come to an end.
So there I found myself, Christmas morning at 9:00am at St. Marks, listening to a woman who was celebrating 5 yrs and was visiting from Miami. She talked of a life that was worlds different from mine and yet... and YET, everything she said I could identify with: the intense self-loathing, being caught in the grips of a disease that was endless, relentless enslavement in taking self-destructive actions that I had witnessed in the progression of others and were not to far beyond where I was headed. The grip of my disease was such that it preferred me being dead than being alive and suffering and she made that clear through her share.
That morning, I saw someone that had found a way to live without the use of drugs, and had energy and a glow that was evident in her spirit, her smile and shone for all to see through her eyes. I've been coming around ever since, and though I've come close a few times to the emotional hell I experienced that morning and have wanted to use, I have given my higher power and the NA program the benefit of the doubt, and managed to "Wait For The Miracle To Happen;" the miracle being that the urge to use or to hurt myself or another human being, lifts
This was a concept I learned from a sign posted on St. Marks wall. "Sitting and waiting for the miracle to happen," instead of running out the door and using a drug, person, place or thing to get out of myself and how I'm feeling.
I have been blessed throughout my recovery in NA because every time I've waited for the miracle to happen, it's occurred, not always as quickly as I wanted, but in the end I would receive the relief for the compulsive obsessive behavior and thinking, that would then allow my program of recovery to kick in. How did the desire lift or disappear? I followed a simple formula:
Attend lots of meetings (In the early days I went to 7-8 meetings a day)
Go to the meeting after the meeting
Memorize a slogan and try to find ways to live it that day
Read the literature over and over again (until the next meeting starts)
Stuck to the old-timers like glue - by asking them "What meetings are you making today & tomorrow?"
Practice calling people by saying "Hi! I'm calling to practice using the phone." to a lot of answering machines until I had the courage to call people when they were home
Offer to do service with trusted servants and sometimes offer to set up for them
If after doing that the urge to use was still there, then I continued to go to lots of meetings; and in between I read all the literature and wrote a response to it. I followed the people who had a lot of clean time and whose recovery and spiritual program I wanted (like a hungry puppy dog). I noticed that the people with good recovery did service (usually in institutions) and since I hung out with them I did that too; and in between all of this I kept making calls and reading literature.You see, in recovery, I've experienced Cancer 3 times, been paralyzed 2 times from accidents (one from the waist down and another from the neck down); have gone through 2 divorces; lost 6 of the 9 members of my support system simultaneously on 9/11, and had a fire destroy my home 4 yrs ago.
Usually, by the time I got around to talking with people after the meeting the urge had subsided just enough for me to get though the night. And most mornings I felt just grateful enough that I hadn't used that night and lived to experience another day clean that I knew if I stuck with the formula that I would eventually be ok. So I kept using the recovery formula until I made 90 days or got through whatever crisis I was experiencing in my life.
On my 91st day I received my first step assignment. She was giving me a few questions to answer and write about, that were given to her by her sponsor. I still remember the very first question: "Write down your personal definition of the words powerless, admission, and surrender. Look up their definition in the dictionary and write them down. Now write down what is the difference between your definition of each word and that of the dictionary." Those questions were the start of my journey through the steps.
I've continued to write the steps throughout my recovery, sometimes focusing on specific issues like when my first relationship in recovery ended, or when I was told I had cancer at 11 months clean, or after 5 yrs clean when I had a near fatal ski accident that left me unable to walk and with the prospect of being paralyzed for life. Through each hurdle or major challenge in my life I've turned to meetings, the people in the rooms and the steps for guidance and they have never failed to help me get up the mountains and back into the valleys of recovery where I have found peace and freedom each and every single time.
So, if you find yourself coming across this page, consider yourself hugged by me and know, that: freedom from active addiction is possible, living life on life’s terms (not yours or your disease’s) is possible. and experiencing the joy, peace and love that comes from the freedom is a true blessing indeed. But as the NA literature states: “if you want what we have to offer, and are willing to make the effort to get it, then you are ready to take certain steps. These are the principles” that made my recovery possible. And that’s exactly what I’ve used to arrest my disease, each day, every day, with the help of my Higher Power and the people in the rooms. I’ve done it consistently enough that it has enabled me to be clean from when I finally truly surrendered today and not only experienced freedom from active addiction but a life that has been beyond my wildest dreams.
So what are some of the things I have done that have been beyond my wildest dreams:
- I was able to receive a scholarship and go to an ivy league college
- I started morning and daytime meetings while working on a personal program of recovery all while pursuing my college education. In the process I received several degrees,
- I have contributed to almost every English language book NA has published and also to the Spanish Basic Text.
- Traveled and lived in different countries where I started meetings.
- I have a compassionate loving respectful child that has grown up with spiritual principles, character and integrity and that's because NA has taught me how to be a parent.
- I have a job that I love and in which I'm highly respected not only by my bosses but by the peers in my industry.
- I have leadership positions in my community where I work for the common good and not my self-interest.
- I have great loving relationships with my friends.
Yes, these are just the a few of the tangible rewards of recovery. However, the best ones are the ones that we can't see but definitely feel, an inner peace, a serene soul, and a joyous heart. Those are the true gifts and blessings of recovery.
For me it started 30 years ago when I walked into the rooms of NA in NYC for what I believed to be my last meeting. Yep, it was going to be my last for if I couldn't get it and surrender, then I had decided life was not worth living in the level of great emotional pain that I was experiencing was finally going to come to an end.
So there I found myself, Christmas morning at 9:00am at St. Marks, listening to a woman who was celebrating 5 yrs and was visiting from Miami. She talked of a life that was worlds different from mine and yet... and YET, everything she said I could identify with: the intense self-loathing, being caught in the grips of a disease that was endless, relentless enslavement in taking self-destructive actions that I had witnessed in the progression of others and were not to far beyond where I was headed. The grip of my disease was such that it preferred me being dead than being alive and suffering and she made that clear through her share.
That morning, I saw someone that had found a way to live without the use of drugs, and had energy and a glow that was evident in her spirit, her smile and shone for all to see through her eyes. I've been coming around ever since, and though I've come close a few times to the emotional hell I experienced that morning and have wanted to use, I have given my higher power and the NA program the benefit of the doubt, and managed to "Wait For The Miracle To Happen;" the miracle being that the urge to use or to hurt myself or another human being, lifts
This was a concept I learned from a sign posted on St. Marks wall. "Sitting and waiting for the miracle to happen," instead of running out the door and using a drug, person, place or thing to get out of myself and how I'm feeling.
I have been blessed throughout my recovery in NA because every time I've waited for the miracle to happen, it's occurred, not always as quickly as I wanted, but in the end I would receive the relief for the compulsive obsessive behavior and thinking, that would then allow my program of recovery to kick in. How did the desire lift or disappear? I followed a simple formula:
Attend lots of meetings (In the early days I went to 7-8 meetings a day)
Go to the meeting after the meeting
Memorize a slogan and try to find ways to live it that day
Read the literature over and over again (until the next meeting starts)
Stuck to the old-timers like glue - by asking them "What meetings are you making today & tomorrow?"
Practice calling people by saying "Hi! I'm calling to practice using the phone." to a lot of answering machines until I had the courage to call people when they were home
Offer to do service with trusted servants and sometimes offer to set up for them
If after doing that the urge to use was still there, then I continued to go to lots of meetings; and in between I read all the literature and wrote a response to it. I followed the people who had a lot of clean time and whose recovery and spiritual program I wanted (like a hungry puppy dog). I noticed that the people with good recovery did service (usually in institutions) and since I hung out with them I did that too; and in between all of this I kept making calls and reading literature.You see, in recovery, I've experienced Cancer 3 times, been paralyzed 2 times from accidents (one from the waist down and another from the neck down); have gone through 2 divorces; lost 6 of the 9 members of my support system simultaneously on 9/11, and had a fire destroy my home 4 yrs ago.
Usually, by the time I got around to talking with people after the meeting the urge had subsided just enough for me to get though the night. And most mornings I felt just grateful enough that I hadn't used that night and lived to experience another day clean that I knew if I stuck with the formula that I would eventually be ok. So I kept using the recovery formula until I made 90 days or got through whatever crisis I was experiencing in my life.
On my 91st day I received my first step assignment. She was giving me a few questions to answer and write about, that were given to her by her sponsor. I still remember the very first question: "Write down your personal definition of the words powerless, admission, and surrender. Look up their definition in the dictionary and write them down. Now write down what is the difference between your definition of each word and that of the dictionary." Those questions were the start of my journey through the steps.
I've continued to write the steps throughout my recovery, sometimes focusing on specific issues like when my first relationship in recovery ended, or when I was told I had cancer at 11 months clean, or after 5 yrs clean when I had a near fatal ski accident that left me unable to walk and with the prospect of being paralyzed for life. Through each hurdle or major challenge in my life I've turned to meetings, the people in the rooms and the steps for guidance and they have never failed to help me get up the mountains and back into the valleys of recovery where I have found peace and freedom each and every single time.
So, if you find yourself coming across this page, consider yourself hugged by me and know, that: freedom from active addiction is possible, living life on life’s terms (not yours or your disease’s) is possible. and experiencing the joy, peace and love that comes from the freedom is a true blessing indeed. But as the NA literature states: “if you want what we have to offer, and are willing to make the effort to get it, then you are ready to take certain steps. These are the principles” that made my recovery possible. And that’s exactly what I’ve used to arrest my disease, each day, every day, with the help of my Higher Power and the people in the rooms. I’ve done it consistently enough that it has enabled me to be clean from when I finally truly surrendered today and not only experienced freedom from active addiction but a life that has been beyond my wildest dreams.
So what are some of the things I have done that have been beyond my wildest dreams:
- I was able to receive a scholarship and go to an ivy league college
- I started morning and daytime meetings while working on a personal program of recovery all while pursuing my college education. In the process I received several degrees,
- I have contributed to almost every English language book NA has published and also to the Spanish Basic Text.
- Traveled and lived in different countries where I started meetings.
- I have a compassionate loving respectful child that has grown up with spiritual principles, character and integrity and that's because NA has taught me how to be a parent.
- I have a job that I love and in which I'm highly respected not only by my bosses but by the peers in my industry.
- I have leadership positions in my community where I work for the common good and not my self-interest.
- I have great loving relationships with my friends.
Yes, these are just the a few of the tangible rewards of recovery. However, the best ones are the ones that we can't see but definitely feel, an inner peace, a serene soul, and a joyous heart. Those are the true gifts and blessings of recovery.
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