Throughout the years I've had to deal with members passing as a result of this disease, whether clean or not, I still honored their memory by attending memorial services or wakes and even went to a number of burials.
As I got more clean time under my belt, I was able to deal with each death better. The tools I was given to deal with life came in very handy at times of death. They tools were simply The Basics of recovery re-emphasized in times of crisis.
They came under a huge test when my entire support system that I had taken years to build and open up to was killed in one single day - on 9/11. My second home group, was also destroyed and some of those members were also killed. I felt like I was pretty much left anchorless. I had a few ties or reasons to live and I held onto them for dear life. For one I saw how many in my 2nd home group were hurting, just like me. For another, I knew the pain I was enduring was one I didn't want my son and my sponsor to experience. So I used the tools I had worked on early on in my recovery to make it through this crisis.
On days when I was grieving I started my days by reading from the Just for Today meditation book and praying. During tough moments throughout my day I used the serenity prayer, read literature pamphlets (which I carried with me) and I called a home group member asnd asked them if they were going to a meeting that night and we could meet up just before for coffee. That was my way of not isolating and preventing my disease from telling me lies, such as I was all alone in the world.
On really tough days, when I felt the pain was overwhelming I made an early morning meeting, and if I still felt the same way as mid-day approached, I knew that another meeting might be in order, so I I would take an extended lunch and found a meeting to attend at lunch. That usually released a bit of the pleasure valve of the overwhelming feelings of sadness surrounding my loss. That evening I would invariably make another meeting, because that's when my friends and I would meet up to do something, usually it was dinner before or after a meeting. So to fill the void left by their deaths I would go early, help set up, leave late after the meeting and focus on the newcomer by meeting up with them at the diner or local coffeeshop.
Eventually, I would go home and try and do the little things to get ready for the next day. And when I finally got to bed and sleep didn't come, I prayed, tried meditating, tried reading literature and when nothing helped I'd call a recovering addict from the West Coast or from somewhere overseas, who would still be up or just getting up and had time to talk. I'd tell them I was calling to say high or to check on them which helped me enormously because for the time I was talking with them, I was not in my grief, I was in their world. And knowing life for another addict was going well, gave me hope that eventually it would be that way for me.
That was what I did to stay clean and endure the overwhelming pain of loss and grief. For a long time it was hard for me to share in meeting or even to write. Sometimes all I could do was sit in the back and let tears flow. If my sponsor was there she'd sit next to me and hand me tissues. People would ask me to share and there would be such a huge lump in my throat choking me as soon as they'd ask that all I could do was shake my head and force a smile. I eventually would say thanks after the meeting and explain that I was ok and in the right place by dealing with my feelings in the rooms. Then I shared with them one of the most valuable slogans I learned in the rooms: "This too shall pass"
And so it did. TOday I know for sure that if I can get through the simultaneous death of 7 loved ones, I can get through anything in recovery as long as I stay clean for that day. During that time, I began a ritual that is still with me, as I waited for my train to take me into work I would say to myself the Just for Today prayer. Today I know that in using that prayer I was affirming recovery and the healing that I wanted to find and experience. Eventually, the ending of that prayer came true and all became well. Not as well as it was before, but a newer form of normal, centered around a peace and spiritual cewnteredness I had known and loved before. I leave you with the Just for Today prayer hoping that if you come across this page looking for hope or solace, that you manage to find it in these words.
JUST FOR TODAY
JUST FOR TODAY my thoughts will be on my recovery, living and enjoying life without the use of drugs.
JUST FOR TODAY I will have faith in someone in NA who believes in me and wants to help me in my recovery.
JUST FOR TODAY I will have a program. I will try to follow it to the best of my ability.
JUST FOR TODAY through NA, I will try to get a better perspective on my life.
JUST FOR TODAY I will be unafraid. My thoughts will be on my new associations, people who are not using and who have found a new way of life. So long as I follow that way, I have nothing to fear.
No comments:
Post a Comment